


The Cabinet at Christmas

by Political_Bastards



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c.
Genre: And a song, Christmas, Just a joke, a lot of fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12916041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Political_Bastards/pseuds/Political_Bastards
Summary: Theresa May makes a Christmas broadcast with a twist.





	The Cabinet at Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Very obviously not a serious piece of writing.

[The camera on is on Theresa May as she delivers her Christmas broadcast]

“ _It’s the time of year when we all come together, when we respect each other, have fun and be optimistic about the future. Where we celebrate with family, friends and neighbours, regardless of background or beliefs…_ ”

[Theresa May smiles]

[” _Merry Christmas Everyone_ ” by Shakin’ Stevens begins to play]

[camera pans out and begins to revolve around, showing the Cabinet in the midst of an outright war with one another]

“ _Snow is Falling…_ ” 

[everyone is in a physical fight with someone]

“ _…People dancing all night long…_ ”

[Like a pair of boxers Sajid Javid and Davis Gauke dance around each other, Javid hit Gauke in the stomach and he doubles over, and Javid gives him a kick to the head[

“ _…Time for presents and exchanging kisses…_ ”

[David Davis dodges a punch from Boris Johnson and headbutts him]

“ _…Time for singing Christmas songs…_ ”

[Justine Greening shouts “you scumbag” at Damian Green (allegedly) punching him square in the face, Amber Rudd spins him around and decks him from the other side, calling him a “maggot”]

“ _…I’m gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe…_ ”

[The camera spins back around to Theresa May, still smiling, just in time to see her get headbutted by Michael Gove falling to the ground]

“ _…Room is swaying…_ ”

[Theresa drags herself up from underneath the table, possibly concussed]

[The camera begins it’s second revolution]

“ _…Records playing, all the old songs we love to hear…_ ”

[Liam Fox and Philip Hammond are having an argument about Europe, both throwing wild punches at each other, and sporting broken noses]

“ _…All I wish that everyday was Christmas, what a nice way to spend the year…_ ”

[James Brokenshire, David Mundell and Alun Cairns team up to take Chris Grayling down, but Boris comes stumbling over from a punch from Davis]

[Boris Johnson then rugby tackles David Davis taking Greg Clark down, who then gets up and punches the nearest person to him, David Lidington, who ducks, and Greg Clark hits Penny Mordaunt instead]

[Penny Mordaunt then slaps David Lidington who goes down in one hit, and Andrea Leadsom tries to hit her, trips over a David, but manages to pull Mordaunt down with her]

“ _…We’re gonna have a party tonight…_ ”

[The camera focuses on the door, where Arlene Foster and her boys are standing]

[They join the fighting]

“ _…Children playing, having fun…_ ”

[Nigel Dodds and Jeffrey Donaldson team up to take Gavin Williamson, who squeals and hides behind Liz Truss]

“ _…It’s the season, love and understanding…_ ”

[Arlene Foster approaches May with a rugby tackle, who falls to the floor again]

“ _…Merry Christmas everyone…_ ”

[Philip Hammond goes down, Liam Fox body slams him]

“ _…Merry Christmas everyone…_ ”

[Chris Grayling throws Alun Cairns at James Brokenshire]

“ _…Merry Christmas everyone…_ ”

[Karen Bradley smashes some Cabinet glass wear overs Gavin Robinson’s head]

“ _…Snow is falling, all around me…_ ”

[Theresa May gets up but is forced back down as Patrick McLoughlin dives at Arlene Foster]

“ _…Children playing, having fun…_ ”

[David Davis goes down with Boris on top of him, and he smashes a commemorative plate on his head, knocking him out]

“ _…Its the season, love and understanding…_ ”

[Liz Truss slams Nigel Dodds and Jeffrey Donaldson’s heads together, and then Gavin Williamson kicks her over, trying to look like he’d knocked out the two men]

“ _…Merry Christmas everyone…_ ”

[Philip Hammond punches Liam Fox in the gut, rolls away from him, and gets kick in the head by Mordaunt who’s trying to get away from Lidington]

“ _…Merry Christmas everyone…_ ”

[Justine Greening and Amber Rudd are jumped on by Jeremy Hunt, but Greg Clark elbows him in the face. Justine Greening and Amber Rudd tie Jermey Hunt up next Damian Green]

“ _…Merry Christmas everyone…_ ”

[Karen Bradley winks as she kicks Julian Smith in the balls]

[The music fades out]

[The camera pans back in]

[Theresa May stands up again, looking around the scene]

[The camera zooms all the way out, showing off the full room, before going back to Theresa May]

[Theresa may sits down, brushes her hair to the side, smiles at the camera]

“ _ **Merry Christmas Everyone**_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have written  
> something  
> bad that was   
> in my head
> 
> and which  
> you were probably  
> not expecting  
> to see
> 
> Forgive me  
> I couldn't help it  
> so strange  
> and so weird


End file.
